Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Covers

I went to a number of women's groups and said "Can you help us find folks?"

And they brought us whole binders full of women.

I recognized that if you're going to "have" women in the work force that sometimes you need to be more... flexible.

Compromising Positions -- Tawny Taylor

Uh, yeah... about those beads?

You... um... might want to stop touching them. At least until they're disinfected. I'm fairly certain that you don't want to know where they've been.

Forever My Love -- LaRee Bryant

We need to have a talk. About titles.

Titles aren't as important as covers, true, as they don't often, on their own, "sell" a book. But they are still of value. Just like font style, the image and idea that a title conjures must be one that encourages a reader to choose your book over any of the multitude of others.

Third degree burns do not serve that purpose. Being "touched by fire" isn't sexy or appealing. Rather, it sounds frightening and painful, and you'd probably be better off choosing a title that's a little less... flamey.

Unless your book is actually about a burn victim in a burn ward. In which case, carry on.

Touched by Fire -- Gwyneth Atlee

Dolichoderus was in reference to your neck, which I have to say is stunning. It's a mutation. It's a very groovy mutation. I've got news for you: You are a mutant.

First you proposition a girl, then you call her deformed. That seduction technique... is actually working for you.

Tender Lies -- Kay McMahon

They take crimes against nature pretty seriously around here

You'll have to stay locked up until your fake tan fades or you apply enough coats to even out. You're not the worst offender they've had, but there's a reason they're not so lenient anymore.

Suspicions -- Connie Bennett

How many times have I told you kids, no light saber fights!

You'll cut someone's hand off!

Master of the Night -- Angela Knight

Gay? Why, yes, I think I might be!

After all, I have been craving a gargantuan bucket of penises lately!

What We Deserve -- Kerry Freeman

Effective pick-up lines of the Regency Era

"Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those child-bearing hips to good use, lest your womb shrivel up and die."

Eccentric Lady -- Jane Lovelace

 

She says the jungle... it just came alive and took him.

Got a good look at him, then gave him back.

Heart Journey -- Robin D. Owens

There shouldn't be any women in the world! Only children, and men!

Yes, laugh now. Enjoy yourself while you can, little girl, for your days are already numbered. With great menses comes great filicide. Or something like that.

Inherited: Twins! -- Jessica Hart

P.S. The top caption is an actual quote by J. Jonah Jameson in an episode of the 1967 Spider-Man television series. That man was creepy.