Most people go through their whole lives without engendering such hateful feelings in other people that they receive death wishes. For Uncle Walter, a fairly light-hearted man who likes to laugh and poke fun at the absurd, hateful feelings and death wishes are part of an average day in Romance Land.
Some pretty harsh accusations have been leveled against Uncle Walter (and, by proxy, The Wife), and it seemed only reasonable to respond.
<Uncle Walter,
You are a horrible person. I found your blog through a friend who shares my opinion.>
Have you ever noticed that people who are very angry about something often feel the need to assure us that they aren't the ONLY ones that feel that way? "See? It's not just me! I'm not alone!" Strength in imaginary numbers?
<You are the worst kind of person. You degrade someone else without giving them any help or suggestion on how to make what they do better.>
Hm... See, Uncle Walter has always felt as if he has made his opinions quite clear regarding the quality of the quotes that make up the content of his blog. "DON'T WRITE THIS WAY! THIS IS BAD WRITING! IT'S TERRIBLE! DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!" Are we not making that clear? We thought our advice, where we give specific examples of terrible writing, complete with commentary, was enough. We describe what each quote makes us think of. Which is typically not what the author wants us to think of. That should be a very large clue for that author, or any potential author. If the reader isn't "getting" it, it's not a failing on the part of the reader -- it's a failing on the part of the writer.
<And worse, you do this on a public forum.>
Well, yes. We certainly can't provide our public service, of showing struggling writers and published authors what NOT to do, if we do it privately. Besides, we're laughing. Most people, when they see someone laughing, would like to know why -- otherwise it kind of feels like they're laughing at them. Hint: Right now? That laughter? Yeah, they're laughing at you... with us.
<Simply put, you are a coward. I am positive you have tried to write and failed.>
Uncle Walter is proud to say that he is a twice published non-fiction author. He has yet to receive a single rejection letter.
<How many rejection letters did you receive before you decided to use Wordpress to exact your revenge? Ten? Twenty? Fifty? One hundred?>
See prior response. And by the by, this is Typepad, not Wordpress.
<You’re using your crushed ego as an excuse to make other people feel bad. If you haven’t attempted to write anything of significance than you are worse than a coward, you are a hypocrite.>
Hm. So. If being a failed writer makes UW out for revenge, and not being a writer at all makes him a coward, what does being a successful, published writer make him?
<You have no problem putting authors in your laughing stocks yet you tell us nothing about yourself. I searched your site and I couldn’t find any personal reference.>
Don't quit your day job to become a private investigator, that's all we've got to say. "Uncle Walter" is a nom de plume. You know, a literary device that many authors use. However, his identity has never been a closely guarded secret. While the pseudo anonymity is fun, he's taken no great steps to hide his identity.
<I know you aren’t really “Uncle Walter”. You are probably some overweight pathetic excuse for a human.>
I'm sure there are many, pathetic, over-weight Uncle Walters out there (perhaps you have one yourself), but you're right -- THIS "Uncle Walter" is not one of them.
<You shrug your shoulders and say, “I’m being honest. If they don’t like it they can go fuck themselves.”>
Uncle Walter would never use such coarse language! At least, you know, outside of the context of captions and the blog. The Wife, however, has a very dirty mouth and would totally say that.
<You aren’t being honest, you’re lying to yourself. It doesn’t take a minor in psychology to see that you are so full of self-loathing and self-hate that you have to project your nastiness onto other people. You refuse to see that deep down you are a scared little person hiding behind your insults and anonymity.>
UW admits that he's not entirely sure what a minor in Psychology is for The Wife has one, and she says that all it really does is allow people who have one to say "it doesn't take a minor in psychology to..." Because only someone with a minor in psychology can be certain that it isn't actually necessary to have a minor in psychology to understand the topic at hand. It is a qualification that is apparently very specific and very superfluous.
<Guess what, these authors have more guts than you’ll ever have. They put themselves out there.>
Where is "out there"? The streets? Are you trying to say that gutsy authors are prostitutes? Wow! Okay, you're right. In that case, UW is NOT one of them.
<They don’t write a blog featuring quotes written by other people.>
Whew! That's good! It would totally screw up the Google rankings!
<They use their brain to create their own story.>
And sometimes that story sucks. We'd like to think it sucks because no one has taken them aside and explained to them that describing a woman's vagina as resembling "warm lard" or inserting oysters... well, we'd like to think that if they were ever told NOT to do those things, they wouldn't do them. So we're telling them. And maybe the next time they create a story it won't suck. Unless that brain they're using to create that story is damaged in some way and this is truly the best they can do. In which case perhaps they shouldn't be writing at all.
<Then they have the courage to let the world read what they’ve created. They know some people will hate what they’ve written. They probably expect people like you to criticize what they’ve done. They know that not everyone will love their baby as much as they do.>
Then what's the problem? They know and expect that not everyone will appreciate their "baby." They know that their work will, occasionally, be criticized. So what, exactly, are "they" complaining about? Well, actually, "they" aren't complaining at all. YOU are complaining. Are YOU an author? Where's the book that YOU have put out for people to read, to love or hate, to critique? Because, despite using your "real" name, we haven't been able to find your "baby" anywhere.
<When have you ever done anything that honorable? Never? I’m not surprised. I pity you Uncle Walter, I really do. You live in a negative world with no hope of getting out because you’ve chosen to stay there.>
That's a rather interesting question. What constitutes "honorable?" Is lying to spare someone's feelings "honorable?" Is never saying something negative about something "honorable?" Sometimes the single most "honorable" thing you can do is be honest with someone. Is tell them the truth. Is let them know when what they're writing (or what they've written) stinks. And sometimes it's teaching people to laugh at themselves, to find humor in the absurd. Don't worry about UW. Uncle Walter has discovered that life is too short to take oneself too seriously.
<I know you will delete this comment. I wouldn’t expect anything else from you. You are a coward and cowards can’t stand to be told the truth.>
Why would your comment be deleted? Uncle Walter has never deleted any comment that was not spam. Despite being written under a fictitious name, and by a person who could be rightly considered a troll, your comment is not spam. In fact, Uncle Walter is proud to give your comment a place of honor on his blog. To illustrate to our readers what happens to a person when they are unable to withstand criticism.
<I hope you’re suicidal. And I hope you’re off your meds when you read this. I hope you take a pair of sewing shears and cut your own heart out. Your death would only improve the landscape of humanity.>
You know, up until this point, you merely sounded like a disgruntled author. Someone whose book was probably featured on the blog, who felt hurt by having fun poked at her "baby." Then you get to this. Now you sound like a psychopath. We rather hope that you aren't actually using your real name. Because a person who would behave this way, who would act and talk this way, to anyone, for any reason, is a person with a severe mental defect. You mention meds, which makes us wonder if you are on some yourself. If so, we certainly hope that you take them diligently and seek therapy of some sort. Counseling with someone who can help you to cope with your anger issues and your feelings of persecution. Because either you are an author whose work(s) have been featured on our blog, in which case you need some assistance learning to cope with rejection or criticism. Or you aren't, in which case you just plain need help. If you are unsure how to go about seeking help, we suggest you consult your local yellow pages, utilize any number of search engines available online, or contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness. We're sure that they will be happy to help you.
<Sincerely,
Kelly Peterson
[email protected]
PS That is my real name and real email address. I, unlike you, have the stones to own what I say.
Posted by: Kelly Preterson | 08/27/2011 at 01:01 PM>
Hm. You almost had it. Almost. Until you misspelled what is supposedly your own last name. Then, with a bit of amateur sleuthing, some more discrepancies show up. Have you ever done a search for your email address? If we do searches for ours we get numerous hits. We find references to our blog, to our Twitter accounts, to our Facebook accounts. But when we do a search for what is supposedly your email address? The only hit is the comment you posted to our blog. That's it. Not a single other reference. Not a one. We've no doubt that the email address is valid, but it seems very unlikely the address existed prior to you posting this comment. Just as we're sure the persona of "Kelly Peterson" (or "Preterson") was created solely for the purpose of leaving this comment as well.
Whoever you are, we thank you for visiting our blog, and we invite you to comment whenever your little heart desires.
I'd say it's a pretty accurate analysis of a pretty stupid hate e-mail :-) Well done!
Posted by: Gissel | 09/05/2011 at 07:48 PM
There was much in that letter indicating that the troll is not a disgruntled author...well, not a commercially pubbed one, anyway. My guess is that you featured one or many of her favorite authors. You've featured a favorite of mine, and I still laugh. As a romance author myself, I would still laugh. If you ever feature me...I'd still laugh, but vow not to make the same mistake again...unless it's my cover since authors have no say in those.
Posted by: Brooklyn Ann | 09/07/2011 at 12:21 AM
I wondered about that, but I was kind of hoping it WAS a disgruntled author. Because that would just imply that the person has issues with self-esteem and has a poor sense of humor. But to be just a .... RABID fan? Someone who would wish death on a person just because they poked fun at a person they've likely never even met? THAT is disturbing! Some of my favorite authors have been on the blogs, too -- both covers AND quotes. And some of the quotes have truly been bad. Like you, I cut them a lot of slack for the covers. Though I blame the self-pubs for the covers 100%. :-P
Posted by: The Wife | 09/07/2011 at 04:57 PM