In reparation for our lack of a cover last night, we bring you a tale in 20 parts

Once upon a time, a deranged artist thought it would be a jolly good idea to put pictures at the beginning of each chapter in a romance novel. Now, since Uncle Walter has never actually read a romance novel, he has decided that he can tell the story from the pictures alone. Here is that story:

It was a dark and stormy night. Our tale begins at Castle Lightening Rod.

Our heroine spends her days playing "dodge the carriage" in the rain.

Attracted to her "Devil May Care" mad traffic dodging skills, our hero, a prince of course, bedecked in all his finery (read: thigh-high-go-go boots) decides to woo her. By catering to her easily amused sensibilities. He entertained her for hours by climbing up and down the stairs. Whee!

After her fascinating stair climbing adventure, she collapsed, only to awaken at a dinner party, where Lurch fed them all portions of gourmet Black Thing. (Do you know what they are eating? I don't.)

Offended that our heroine (whom I have decided to call Jane -- for no reason) had not finished her helping of Black Thing, our hero (his name is George; definitely George) pins her against the wall, ruthlessly whipping her nose with his lock of hair.

After a stern whipping, she relented, cleaning her plate (or was it a bowl? I forget). He rewarded her with a horsey ride at the Tiny Boat Races and Miniature Golf Park downtown.

The thrill of the tiny boats proved too much for Jane's bloodlust (again), and the Miniature Golf Park Groundskeeper suffered for it. She claimed his tiny lawn mower as a trophy and disposed of the body in the ocean.

Later, at the tavern, Jane regaled the fascinated onlookers with the grisly tale of the knife plunging into the Groundskeeper's heart. They were, of course, impressed. Especially when they saw her mangled hand. She isn't a handicapped killer, she's a handi-capable murderess!

Afterwards George took Jane to the dungeon, proudly showing her where he regularly whips the prisoners with his unruly locks. Jane is heartbroken. She thought the mild annoyance of his petty torments was only for her.

In an effort to placate her rampant jealousy, George allows her to bind his hair with flowers in the night. They are both momentarily distracted by his impressive, yet frightening, eyebrows.

His eyebrows were too mighty, however, and the flowers fell... along with their clothes. Overcome with weariness from surviving the follicle assault, Jane went to sleep. George, confused by her momentary lapse of perambulation, found entertainment by playing a solitary game of "Squeeze the (nipple-less) Boobie."

After 20 minutes, George's boredom overcame him, and he dumped Jane into the nearest body of water. Having seen "Titanic," he knew that she would be enraptured by his sultry and gimlet stare, as well as the thought of a possible drowning. While it didn't cause her to leap on him in a pique of rampaging lust, it did cause her to sing the ad jingle for Alka Seltzer. It was all she could remember, and it pleased him in a somewhat stomach settling manner.

She escaped the bath, only to lose her hat the next day when she was unexpectedly startled by the gregarious greeting of the resident neighborhood Grim Reapers.

George, being the heroic sort, came to rescue Jane. And her hat. Naked. He knew that nature abhorred a vacuum, thus wild clothes would naturally be attracted to a naked guy wandering the woods. Humoring him, she stripped, leaving only her earrings (and a few other random piercings, to George's consternation).

After a naked hike, crochet and tea -- and tick removal -- naturally follow.

Not understanding the finer points of "The Birds and The Bees," and having encountered several of those on their romp, marriage naturally followed. The very next day, a neckless priest named Mumbles performed the long and incomprehensible service. At least, they think he did. They weren't really sure what he said. They might have been vowing to buy only Volvos for the remainder of their days. Either way, it was solemn.

Knowing her wedding day would be incomplete without at least the possibility of death, George gifted Jane with a drunk. Under the watchful eyes of angels, she began her wholesale slaughter. He didn't struggle much when she took the bottle, and he struggled not at all once she bashed it over his head.

Being of a traditional bent, they spent their honeymoon antiquing. The iron gate was perfect. After all, it is the traditional 0 anniversary gift.

After shopping, they attended a Satanic Service, happy not to have missed the virgin sacrifice. Which almost reminded Uncle Walter of the day he married The Wife. Almost.

Once they realized that Apis Mellifera and Aves were not beneficial to the procreation process, children soon followed. They got them at K-Mart. At a BOGO blue-light special! However, Jane soon discovered: Children are hard work! To punish George for not doing his share, she pinched his face until he agreed to change more diapers.

The End

Hmm. Uncle Walter wonders how close to the real book his version is.  He bets it is dead on perfect. What do you think?

Emerald Embrace -- Shannon Drake

Comments

[Matt]

Images 13 and 14: Obviously she lost her clothes in panel 13 to the grasping grim rapers[rappers?] which made life easier for her breeder stud in panel 14. Too bad she nailed HIM from behind.
Image 15: The witch predicted that if she got pricked, he life would degenerate to chaos. She did not specify a needle prick.
Image 16: she looks angry, the priest looks comatose.
Image 19: "Dem TITS!"

[Jessica @ Book Sake]

Hahahaha. Oh this had to be so much better than the book. Thoroughly entertaining!

- Jessica @ Book Sake

[The Wife]

I laugh to tears at this one.

[Amber]

This is hysterical.

[The Wife]

We're so glad you enjoyed it. It's one of my personal favorites, and Uncle Walter worked very hard on it. I mainly just cleaned up his typos, because despite being righteously *intelligent*, he seems to have difficulty with spell check, too. ;)