Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Covers

He wasn't just a member of The Guy With The Eyepatch Fan Club, he's also a founder

If you ever find yourself in an 80s soap opera, always remember to avoid the man with the eyepatch.  No good will come of him.  Really.

Always Love -- Emma Darcy

Ride 'Em Highland Cowboy!

The hero of this book is Scottish.  He wears a kilt and has red hair.  Tell me, what is wrong with this picture?  What on earth ARE they doing?  I can think of a few things that they might be doing, but none with the time-period-inappropriate jeans still on.

Wild Texas Rose -- Catherine Creel

And here we have the rare, elusive female mullet, one of the only ones in captivity

We have been unsuccessfully trying to mate her with Moob-Man.  We suspect the failure is due to her ugly plumage.

The Hawk and the Dove -- Virginia Henley

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

I'll get you, my pretty!  And your uterus, too!

My Wicked Fantasy -- Karen Ranney

The Satyr smooshed her sternum with his stolen smooch

Look, we know that you can see the horse's head.  But stop for just a second and look at it from a glance -- and tell us that it doesn't look like it's HIS body.  You know it does.  Just admit it and move on.

Oh, and she looks dead.  Insert "Last Dance with Mary Jane" comment here.

Bandit's Brazen Kiss -- Kay McMahon

P.S. Yeah, yeah, we know, we know. We've been told (repeatedly) that it should be a centaur, not a satyr. Whatever.

The Chewbacca defense won't get him out of this one.

We have a Star Wars Wii game, where all the characters are Legos. One feature is that Chewbacca is allowed to rip the arms off of the characters that he is fighting. That is what this reminds me of. He reminds me of Chewbacca. Never a good sign. Seriously, it DOES look like he's ripping her arms off, doesn't it? Yes, I thought so -- without the attempted amputations, though, it would almost be pretty.

Before the Scandal -- Suzanne Enoch

Argh! My eyes! My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!

Not bad.  Simple.  Plain.  Misleading.

Ack!  Naked Fabio!  The worst kind of Fabio!

Man of My Dreams -- Johanna Lyndsey

In the year 2525 if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find that they must wear burlap

Again, you can tell it's the future -- they have gold armbands (and a mullet?).  Why will we all wear gold armbands in the future?  What is the purpose of this?  Is it something inexplicable, like the 3 sea shells?  Why??? Will someone tell me, for God's sake, WHY?

Beneath a Crimson Moon -- Christine Michels

What do you think is holding her up?

It's a Western saddle and she's getting one hell of a ride.

The Fire and the Fury -- Anita Mills

Ever wonder what Barbie wears beneath her skirt?

You know those cakes?  The ones where the cake is the skirt and there's a Barbie sticking out of them?  That's what this is.  With a disembodied brunette Ken doll.  And wrapped in a towel.  With flowers...  She wears painted on underwear.

Winter Roses -- Lynda Trent