Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Covers

He wanted to impale her on his sword, but HE got the shaft

What is going on with her arm?

Sunrise Surrender -- Vivian Vaughan

Nessie eyed the tiny woman made of meat with a jealous eye

Even Kip Winger never wore a snakeskin tunic.

 

Why is he naked?

Edin's Embrace -- Nadine Crenshaw

The definition of bad timing

They were having a moment.  Seconds later they were trampled to death.  His porn-star/John Holmes mustache cannot go without mention.

Ecstasy's Hostage -- Thea Devine

For God's sake, get a Tic-Tac!

She was too tactful to scream.

Heart of Gold -- Liz Grady

I'll never ignore them, I'll even adore them someday when they're touching your knees...

...Them big, big, big titties of yours.

It's not just that they're big -- nothin' wrong with that -- it's that they're soooo droopy.

What's with the swan?  And given where they are, isn't this the one time it would actually make sense to have him shirtless?

Midsummer Magic -- Catherine Coulter

Their love was like a second rate Disney (tm) theme park

You know it's the future, because we all know that in the future there will be gold armbands.  It's a style that always implies "Tomorrowland" -- today.  We won't even mention the mullet.  And just because it invites comment, that's some pretty funky cleavage.

Ascent to the Stars -- Christine Michels

Anyone can be pretty when your eyes are closed

I suppose a wrinkled old man and a woman of indeterminate age, wearing whore make-up, is a change of pace.  We can only be thankful that he's not also shirtless.

Anybody want an apple?

Kenlaren -- Aleen Malcolm

Um...could you put the mask BACK on?

Ponch didn't know what to do with Elaine when they got home from the ball.  As for her, she still hadn't decided if he was sponge-worthy or not.

Seduced -- Virginia Henley

Darlin' when you come around, I get carried away by the look by the light in your eyes.

Which is good, 'cause there's no way I'm going anywhere on my own with legs like these.

It's quite clear that originally this woman was standing of her own volition.  But the artist wanted her carried.  So with no thought to perspective, no thought to how short her calves would appear, how long her femurs would seem, carried she would be.

Submitted by Anonymous, who has asked to remain such due to being associated in some way with this.  We didn't ask, the submitter didn't tell.

The Wild One -- Danelle Harmon

Inyuk-chuks

When Apache Chief and Agent 99 finally meet, the result is a frightening mix of treasure and violence.

Ravished -- Amanda Quick