Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Covers

The ring, it chose you. Take it... place the ring on the lantern...

Place the ring, speak the oath... great honor... responsibility... fashion sense

Jealousy & A Jewelled Proposition -- Yvonne Lindsay

He would only have her body. He would never have her heart, her mind, or her soul.

He could totally respect that.

I Do -- Mimi Riser

Unsurprisingly, the "skills" of drinking one's own urine and staying at hotels doesn't really help someone survive.

Should've listened to Les intstead.

Hunter's Moon -- Bobbi Smith

She's up to something nefarious!

She makes $5.25 an hour. She can't afford to be nefarious.

Mommy in Training -- Shelley Galloway

"King of the World" is overrated

He's declared himself "Supreme Emperor of a Celestial Body Devoid of Life."

And he has a mace.

Because maces are cool.

The Moon Lord -- Terri Lynn Wilhelm

Look at him! He's so beautiful!

Don't let your kitty frighten him away!

What Do You Say To A Naked Elf -- Cheryl Sterling

Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

I haven't.

Hot Property -- Rita Rainville

Alternate working concept involved him selling real estate and a reference to the movie Big Stan using this quote: "Black dudes can't get enough of white women. And don't think a woman of your advancing years will be safe from their advances. No, these big black bucks don't care if you're young or old, skinny or fat. They want your white flesh. They want it bad. Tell you the truth, I'm part black myself. If it wasn't for my wife, I'd be bending you over this desk doing you doggy-style right now." You're welcome.

There's still some room to cram a few more movie rip-offs in there.

C'mon! Think of some more! It's like you're not even trying!

Getaway Girl -- Michele Hauf

I don't think either one of you are familiar with your problem.

You're gonna need a bigger Trochus.

Erin's Ecstasy -- Sylvie F. Somerfield

Edited into AWESOMENESS by one of our Tumblr followers, staysandstories!

You are now completely under my control. You will do everything I instruct you to, as instructed.

Become a lesbian!

My Husband was a Woman -- Miles Mac Dordonan, M.D.